When I was younger, I believed in God, but never had a close connection. I didn’t talk about my faith or share it with others. In a way, I was partially embarrased of going to church or talking about God. I didn’t feel comfortable praying in front of others, especially when out in public. I can honestly say that a lot has changed over the years, and you will fully see that with this post.
I don’t know about you, but I am not the greatest at reading my Bible every day like I should. I usually get into a good routine of reading my Bible and doing devotions or reading a Christian self-help type book, but eventually life gets busy and I lose sight on how to manage my time and what’s important in life . This is not something I’m very proud of, but I’m here to be honest with you all. I am very far from perfect, but I do strive to do my best in life (with the help of God, of course).
Have you ever noticed, that when times get tough and obstacles get in my way, you turn to God in prayer and start reading his word with hope to find answers to your problems? Sadly, I do this often. Why is it that when bad situations arise, we turn to God but when life is going well, we don’t dive into his Word? We have this decorative sign hung up on a wall in our living room that says “Happy Moments, Praise God. Difficult Moments, Seek God. Quiet Moments, Worship God. Painful Moments, Trust God. Every Moment, Thank God.” (pictured below) I love this sign because it is a daily reminder how in every moment, God should be our focus. Jason and I have praised God during our happy moments, prayed to God during our difficult moments, and we thank God daily for everything he has done for us and continues to do for us. Trust… now that’s another story, sometimes.
Now, I can’t speak for Jason, but for me, I will admit that trusting God is oftentimes a hard thing to do. Life has always been a challenge, whether it had to do with my schooling, my health (mentally or physically), family life, friends, near death experiences, etc. It almost seems like every time life would be going well for me, there is always something that takes place to tear me back down. There have been many days/nights that I have cried to God to fix whatever is taking place in my life or asking why he allowed these things to happen to me/us. Life just wasn’t being fair to us. I went through the whole “why me?” or “why us?”. Does the story of Job come to mind? If you’re not familiar with this story, I encourage you to read this book in the Bible. Anywho, back to what I was saying. After eight months of being sick with a vestibular disorder after the miscarriage of our twins, I was praising God for making me close to whole again. That was short-lived, as we learned of Jason’s diagnosis of his Leukemia the very same month I was able to walk again. More tears were shed, and more prayers were said. We did everything we had to do to help each other get through the next new battle in our lives. Sometime last year, I threw in the rag; I officially gave up. I decided I couldn’t be strong enough anymore. I was defeated and I needed help. I cried and gave everything to God. I decided I needed him more than anything. Infertility was of the past. My vestibular disorder was of the past. The miscarriage was in the past. Jason’s cancer was in the past. Everything was in the past and out of our control. This does not mean we will not speak of these things or that we will forget. No, this means we will learn from these situations and we can use them to share God’s word. I strongly believe God was trying to use us as his examples. No matter what was thrown at us, we still held onto our faith and believed God had a purpose. There is a reason for everything. Yes, we have stumbled and lost our sight along the way, but with our faith, we found our way back to God, again.
The many years of infertility we went through was one of the hardest things we’ve had to go through as husband and wife. All the doctor appointments, tests, medications, schedules, etc. It was exhausting and it definitely tested our marriage. Instead of becoming a team and praying together, we kind of drifted apart. There were many days, months, or even years, filled frustration and wondering who was at “fault” for us not conceiving a baby. Many hurtful words were said on both sides, followed my quick apologies and tears. If you haven’t been through infertility, you will never fully understand the struggle. You may want to roll your eyes and may think to yourself, “just get over it already”. But, honestly, it’s not that simple. Those years of infertility were a huge part of our lives. It’s a chapter in our book that we can’t erase. After we had officially “given up” with trying to conceive, we relaxed more and actually enjoyed each other’s company again. We didn’t have the stress and pressure on us anymore.
Do Jason and I have a “perfect” marriage? Absolutely not. I don’t think there is such a thing as a perfect marriage. I can say that we are the best of friends. We enjoy spending time together, whether it’s building LEGO sets, putting together a puzzle, playing board/card games, or going out playing minigolf or bowling, etc. All of our struggles have brought us closer together. After the miscarriage took place, and I got sick, then Jason got sick, we knew a few things for sure. We were each other’s rock and foundation. We knew we could depend on each other no matter what. We re-learned how to communicate and to be the strength when the other one was needing it most. Most importantly, we are learning to pray together and follow our faith in every aspect of our lives. We’re coming up on our 15 year anniversary of when we met and starting dating. A lot has taken place in these 15 years, but I am most excited for what is yet to come (with our adoption and all).
There are two songs that come to mind, that played a huge role in my life during all these hard times. One is “Praise You in This Storm”, by Casting Crowns, and the other is “Through All of It”, by Colton Dixon. If you haven’t heard these two songs before, I definitely recommend them. ( YouTube videos are posted at the end of this post) If you have heard them before, I suggest you re-listen to them; close your eyes and listen to the lyrics. If you’re ever going through a hard time, the lyrics to these two songs may be very helpful. I still cry every time I listen to these songs. The words, to me, are just so powerful and remind me to be thankful to God and always praise him.
If you are feeling alone or lost and need someone to talk to, we are always available. We can pray with you/for you, or offer a listening ear. 🙂